When Did We Stop Believing in Ourselves?

When is it that we stop believing in ourselves? We weren’t born that way. We were born believing in ourselves. We had no reason not to. Because how can you not believe in yourself when you don’t even know there’s another way to think? Nobody had told us we were too much, too difficult, or not enough. We came into this world with a blank slate, believing that anything and everything was possible. And then one day, somehow, somewhere along the way, someone or something planted a different idea in our heads. That we were different. That we were difficult. That we were less than. That maybe we weren’t quite as capable or worthy as we once believed.

And that’s when the doubt started. But I wonder when it actually happens. Is there a particular moment? A person? Something someone said that we never quite forgot? And why do we decide, in that particular moment, to stop believing in ourselves? Why do we give that person, that situation, or that doubt itself so much power? Why does one negative experience get to outweigh all the positive ones?

Because when I look back on my life, I see so much more happiness than sadness. Or maybe there isn’t more happiness. Maybe I’m just choosing to remember it that way. I also recognize that everyone’s cards are dealt differently. I know mine were dealt a certain way, and perhaps in a more fortunate way than someone else’s. I’m aware of that. I don’t pretend that everyone starts life with the same opportunities, experiences, or circumstances.

But doubt? Doubt doesn’t seem particularly interested in how fortunate we are.

Rich or poor, successful or struggling, there’s often a point in our lives when we start questioning ourselves. When we begin to wonder if someone else is better, if something is missing, if we’re somehow not enough.

That pure belief we once had, that innocent idea that anything was possible, gets a little tainted.

And I can’t help but wonder when that happened to me.

More importantly, why did I let it?

Can we ever go back to the way we were before? Probably not. Can we fix it? Maybe.

I don’t think it’s as simple as putting a Band-Aid on a scraped knee and waiting for it to heal. Some things don’t work that way. Once a thought gets into your head, it has a funny way of sticking around. Even when you think you’ve moved past it, it can creep back in when you least expect it.

But here’s what I keep coming back to. Belief is funny, too.

Because once we decide to believe in ourselves, really believe in ourselves, that belief can become a superpower all on its own. It can grow. It can become bigger and bolder and stronger. Just as doubt can take up more and more space in our minds, maybe confidence can, too.

Maybe we just have to give it the chance to outshine the negativity.

I don’t think it’s possible to live a life completely free of doubt. Although, man, do I wish we could.

And now, as someone raising a child, I find myself thinking about this even more.

I’m trying to create a world where my son can think a little differently. Where, when doubt inevitably creeps into his mind, he might recognize it a little sooner than I did. Maybe he’ll be able to question it, push it aside, or replace it with something bigger, bolder, and a little more magical. Maybe even a big, fluffy cloud of rainbow-colored thoughts.

And before anyone rolls their eyes, I’m not suggesting we all walk around pretending life is wonderful every second of every day. I’m not advocating for toxic positivity, ignoring real problems, or reframing every difficult experience until we’re living in some kind of fantasy land.

I know that’s not how life works.

But what exactly is wrong with believing in ourselves?

What’s wrong with confidence?

Somewhere along the way, we seem to have confused confidence with ego. We sometimes look at someone who believes in themselves and assume they’re arrogant. But why?

You can be confident and humble. You can know your worth and still be kind. You can believe you’re capable of extraordinary things and still celebrate someone else’s accomplishments.

You can teach a child to believe in himself, to trust his abilities, to believe in magic and possibility, while also teaching him to share, to be responsible, to be generous, and to know the difference between right and wrong.

You can believe in yourself without being an asshole.

And you certainly don’t have to make someone else feel small to make yourself feel bigger.

We don’t need to diminish people, put them down, or dim their sparkle just to make our own shine brighter.

In fact, I think that might be part of the problem.

We pass our fears along to other people, sometimes without even realizing we’re doing it. Someone makes us question ourselves, so we start questioning other people. Someone tells us we’re not enough, and somewhere down the line, we make someone else feel the same way.

And then those people grow up and pass those doubts on to their children.

It’s a cycle. One that I wonder if we’re even aware we’re participating in.

And if we can pass down fear, why can’t we pass down confidence instead?

What if we were a little more generous with our encouragement? What if we celebrated other people’s successes without seeing them as a reflection of our own shortcomings? What if we made a conscious effort to help people believe in themselves rather than giving them another reason not to?

Because there’s room enough for everyone to shine.

I know this isn’t going to erase every insecurity or undo years of self-doubt. I know the world is complicated and people are complicated, and believing in yourself doesn’t magically make everything work out.

But I also wonder how much of what we believe about ourselves is actually true, and how much of it is simply something someone made us believe a long time ago.

And if someone else had the power to make us question ourselves, shouldn’t we have the power to start believing again?

I’ve often been called a Pollyanna.

And you know what? So what.

Maybe the world could use a few more Pollyannas.