When Your Mom Is the Reason You’re in Therapy

There’s a version of motherhood most of us were sold early on. The steady presence. The safe place. The person who just gets you and somehow makes everything feel okay. And then there’s the version a lot of people quietly live with. The one that feels complicated, emotionally charged, and, at times, completely draining—but you don’t exactly bring it up over brunch because… where do you even start?

Because saying “my relationship with my mom doesn’t feel good” still feels a little taboo, even now.

Ashley Oerman is not interested in tiptoeing around that.

As the deputy editor at Wondermind, the mental health media company founded by Selena Gomez and Mandy Teefey (and a former Cosmo girl), Oerman has built her career around making emotional conversations feel less intimidating and a lot more honest. Now, with her debut book Motherf*cked: How to Keep Your Mother’s Toxic Drama From Ruining Your Life, she’s taking on one of the most loaded relationships we have…and doing it without softening the edges or pretending it’s all fine.

In Motherf*cked, Oerman doesn’t wrap things up in language that makes them easier to ignore. She calls out the patterns, explains why they stick, and offers a way to deal with them that feels grounded, realistic, and, at times, exactly as funny as it needs to be. Because if you can’t laugh a little while unpacking years of emotional chaos, what are we even doing?

SAYING THE QUIET PART OUT LOUD

Ashley says the title came before the book fully took shape, before the structure, before the full scope of what it would become. In many ways, that makes sense. The title alone does something most people do not allow themselves to do. It names the experience directly, without softening it or asking for permission.

For Ashley, the deeper motivation came from years of carrying something that did not feel easy to name, let alone share. That is the part many people will recognize immediately. The quiet belief that you are the only one experiencing something like this.

“For most of my life, I felt a lot of shame around my relationship with my mom. I sincerely thought, until recently, I was the only one I knew whose mom didn’t make them feel good. Feeling bad about feeling bad kept me from doing anything about the problem. It took way too long to believe my feelings and address my issues with my mom.”

That layered experience, feeling something and then judging yourself for feeling it, is often what keeps people stuck. If something feels too heavy, people shut down. If it feels too polished, people struggle to see themselves in it.

That is where humor comes in. Not as a distraction, but as a way to open the door just enough for honesty to come through.

“I think laughter helps break the ice. I hope that by naming this book something pretty irreverent, we can bust through the shame and get right into it. In Motherf*cked, I explain why these relationships matter, where they can go wrong, and how to start feeling better.”

WHEN “NORMAL” DOESN’T FEEL RIGHT

One of the hardest parts about complicated maternal relationships is how easily they get minimized. Not just by others, but by the person experiencing them. There is rarely a clear moment where something is labeled as harmful, which makes it easier to brush things off than to sit with how they actually feel.

Ashley explains that the starting point is not necessarily identifying behavior or assigning labels. It is much more personal than that.

“Such a good question, and it’s one I get frequently. Based on my reporting, it’s less about the behavior itself (though I explain more about the difference between healthy, unhealthy, and abusive behaviors in the book) and more about how her actions make you feel.”

That shift sounds simple, but it can be deeply uncomfortable, especially for someone who is used to rationalizing what is happening.

“As someone who used to justify every weird or hurtful thing my mom did, I understand why it can seem easier to brush something off than to sit with the fact that it hurts you.”

Instead of focusing on isolated moments, Ashley points to something more revealing. The overall impact the relationship has on your mental and emotional energy.

“One of the therapists I spoke to said noticing how much energy your mom takes from other parts of your life can help you decide if you need to shift the way you interact. For example, if you find that you think about your mom more often than not or you’re exhausted after spending time with or speaking to her, that could be an indication that something needs to change.”

HOW IT ACTUALLY SHOWS UP IN YOUR LIFE

The impact of these relationships does not stay contained. It shapes expectations, emotional patterns, and how people show up in connection later in life. Ashley brings nuance back into a conversation that is often oversimplified.

“The first thing I’d say is that attachment theory is so much more complex than TikTok makes it out to be.”

She explains that early caregiving experiences can influence what we come to expect from others, especially when it comes to trust, safety, and whether our needs will be met.

“In general, the way your mom treats you as a baby, within the first year of life-ish, can inform what you expect from other people as you get older. If your mom comes through on all of your baby requests, feeding you, holding you, changing you, snuggling you, you learn that you’re important, your needs matter, and people care about you. You may also learn that people are worthy of your trust because they come through for you when you need them.”

But she is equally clear that those early experiences are not a life sentence.

“That said, even if your mom (or other primary caregiver) completely blew you off as a baby, your healthy relationships with other people, like friends, teachers, mentors, and babysitters, can undo the damage, so to speak. When it comes to romantic partnerships, your early relationship with your mom can influence how you show up, but the impact is pretty small.”

And then there is the part most people do not expect.

“This is one of my favorite fun facts: According to some research, your early attachment to your mom is most likely to influence your relationship with her as an adult. That’s why I have a little quiz in the book where you can determine your attachment style to your mom specifically. And that can change over time!”

THE GUILT THAT KEEPS YOU STUCK

If there is one emotion that runs through almost all of these experiences, it is guilt. The kind that makes people question themselves before they question the relationship.

Ashley names that directly.

“Guilt comes from believing we’ve done something wrong. But, and maybe this is also obvious, though it wasn’t to me, we can feel guilty even if we didn’t do anything objectively terrible.”

For many people, especially those who grew up prioritizing a parent’s needs, stepping back can feel deeply uncomfortable.

“For those who grew up accommodating their mom’s needs (or the needs of any primary caregiver), it can feel wrong to stop doing that—even if it’s for your own benefit.”

And underneath that is something more foundational.

“Also, as kids, we do everything we can to maintain a tight relationship with our primary caregivers. After all, they keep us safe, clothed, fed, etc. As we grow up, that relationship should shift so you have freedom to prioritize your own needs, but moms and parents aren’t always down for that change.”

WHAT PEOPLE GET WRONG ABOUT THESE PATTERNS

Conversations around terms like narcissism and generational trauma have become more common, but they are not always used accurately. Ashley is quick to clarify that nuance matters.

“Narcissism is a good one. This is an actual personality disorder, called narcissistic personality disorder (NPD), but people can also have narcissistic tendencies without having the diagnosable condition. Generally speaking, I think this term is overused. Though it’s true that caregivers with NPD often struggle to put their children’s needs ahead of their own.”

WHY BOUNDARIES FEEL SO HARD

Setting boundaries with a parent is not just about communication. It is about risk. What you say, how it is received, and what might change because of it.

Ashley speaks to that fear directly.

“There are so many reasons why setting boundaries feels hard. It’s scary to tell someone how you want to be treated, especially a parent. When you do, you risk them saying, ‘Well, fuck it, I’m going to bail on this relationship if you want me to follow these instructions.’”

At the same time, the need for connection does not disappear.

“Attachment theory research suggests that we never stop needing or wanting our moms, even if our moms have treated us like garbage. I’ve interviewed more than 20 people about their mothers, and almost all of them would agree.”

So instead of starting with the hardest relationship, she suggests starting somewhere safer.

“The first thing is to get comfortable being uncomfortable. Try to set a boundary with someone you love and trust. Notice how it goes. I think you’ll find that this friend or family member doesn’t abandon you when you decline an invitation or say you’ll call them back later.”

That practice builds something important over time.

“Practicing boundaries with people you trust proves that it’s okay to set limits on your relationships. That can build your confidence as you work toward setting boundaries with someone you don’t fully trust…like your mom.”

WHY HUMOR MATTERS HERE

What makes Motherf*cked feel different is that it does not stay in heaviness. It creates space for humor without losing depth, which is part of what makes the material easier to engage with.

Ashley explains that this balance was intentional.

“I have read many a self-help book. Books that have a somber or overly sympathetic tone make me feel defensive. ‘I didn’t have it that bad, right?’ I think that’s common with people who tell themselves that this relationship is fine enough (even when it’s painful).”

She also points out the other extreme.

“Other books that villainize harmful parents make me want to defend my mom, too. I think there is a lot of nuance within these kinds of relationships, and using some levity can make the material more approachable or maybe even enjoyable.”

WHERE TO START IF THIS FEELS FAMILIAR

For someone just beginning to recognize the impact of their relationship with their mom, the process can feel overwhelming. The hardest part is often knowing where to begin.

Ashley keeps it simple and honest.

“Read Motherf*cked. I’m half-joking, but realizing that you’re not alone in this experience can make managing the issues with your mom easier. I think this book will help you see that.”

From there, it becomes about acknowledgment.

“The faster you can acknowledge that this relationship took things from you, no matter how small, the sooner you can grieve what was lost and get closer to acceptance.”

Remaining in disbelief can keep people stuck in place, unable to move forward.

“If you’re stuck not believing your feelings because you think you’re being dramatic or that you’re the only one feeling this way, it can really hold you back.”

THE REALITY OF LOW OR NO CONTACT

As conversations around boundaries continue to evolve, so does the idea of stepping back entirely. Ashley frames this in a way that feels grounded and realistic.

“There are plenty of reasons not to go low-or no-contact. If you depend on your mom for financial help or a connection to your culture or other family, it might not make sense to break ties.”

At the same time, she acknowledges its role.

“That said, having fewer or no interactions with your mom is a form of boundary setting. It’s kind of the final boss of boundaries, but a boundary nonetheless. That might make it feel less intimidating.”

Ultimately, it becomes a matter of weighing what is sustainable.

“In the end, the pros need to outweigh the cons. If you’ve set countless boundaries and your mom blows right through them, this might be the best way to protect yourself and your grieving process.”

WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOU START TO CHANGE

Growth rarely happens without friction, especially in long-standing family dynamics. Ashley is honest about what that can feel like.

“It can be extremely hard to believe your feelings when you get pushback. You might feel guilty, start to doubt yourself, or go back to old patterns.”

That is why support matters.

“In order to heal, you have to trust that you’re not making this shit up. There is an actual problem here. That’s why I think it’s so helpful to work with a therapist during this process. They can reflect the truth of your experiences and your feelings back to you.”

And while tools like books can help, she is clear they are part of a larger process.

“A self-help book is incredibly useful (especially this one wink). However, you likely need additional support to help you through moments like this.”

FROM EDITOR TO AUTHOR

Having worked with Ashley during our Cosmo days, I knew her as sharp, funny, and incredibly intuitive. The kind of editor who could say what everyone else was thinking in a way that actually landed.

So I had to ask.

Her answer felt exactly right.

“This sounds so corny, and you know by now I hate corny, but I do feel like this book was always bigger than me. There was a moment when my therapist asked me, ‘What do you want to do with all of this?’ (‘all of this’ being the knowledge that this relationship with my mom does suck and it’s not changing). Immediately, my brain was like, We must turn this shit into gold! Make it something that helps others.”

And in the process, something shifted.

“The very cool thing about this experience is that writing this book helped me feel better. This relationship with my mom went from something I was ashamed of to something I put my name on and am talking about with anyone who will listen. It’s become a part of my story in a way that little baby Cosmo editor would have never seen coming!”

HOLDING HUMOR AND HONESTY AT THE SAME TIME

Ashley has always had a way of balancing humor with honesty, and that voice carries through here, even in something deeply personal. She says that instinct came naturally, but it also evolved.

“Humor is my favorite coping mechanism, so being silly about something dark comes easily. When I went back and started editing the first chapters, about nine months after I first wrote them, I saw how trying to be funny had become a crutch. The jokes were so distracting. It was endearing to read the old me talk about this topic in such a har-har way. She didn’t have to try so hard.”

Over time, that balance found its place.

“Thankfully, by the time I was wrapping up my first draft, I found a natural balance between the serious and the silly…at least it feels balanced to me.”

GO BUY THIS BOOK

What Motherf*cked offers is not a perfect resolution. It offers something far more useful.

It gives language to an experience many people have carried quietly for years. It creates space to look at that relationship honestly, without immediately dismissing your own feelings. And from there, it opens the door to something most people are actually looking for, which is not perfection, but relief.

Now, go pick up this book wherver books are sold or you can just click right here and buy it now!