Finally Break Free from Perfectionism

Perfectionism often masquerades as discipline, ambition, or even self-respect. It tells us that if we just work a little harder, refine things a little more, and keep every detail under control, we will finally feel at ease. But that peace never arrives. Instead, perfectionism becomes a moving target, keeping us in a cycle of self-criticism and burnout.

Research confirms this psychological toll. A study published in Psychological Bulletin analyzed data from over 40,000 people and found that perfectionism has been steadily rising over the past few decades, fueled by societal pressures and unrealistic expectations. The study linked perfectionism not only to chronic stress and anxiety but also to a higher risk of depression, eating disorders, and even early mortality. Another study in The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology found that perfectionists are more likely to experience emotional exhaustion, struggle with self-compassion, and be more prone to procrastination—a paradox considering their obsession with productivity.

The truth is, perfectionism doesn’t make us more successful—it makes us more anxious. It doesn’t lead to greater achievement—it leads to greater dissatisfaction.

In You Are the Boss of You, Shauna Brittenham Reiter challenges the idea that perfectionism is something to be proud of. Instead, she reveals it as a limitation—one that keeps us from experiencing true fulfillment, connection, and creativity. She says, “If you are a slave to perfectionism, you cannot be the master of your life.” Here, she shares her personal journey of unlearning perfectionism and offers a new perspective on success, self-worth, and what it truly means to be in control of your own life.

The Illusion of Control

One of the great paradoxes of perfectionism is that it offers a false sense of control while simultaneously taking away true autonomy. It convinces us that if we meet impossible standards, we can avoid failure, rejection, or disappointment. But in reality, perfectionism leaves little space for growth, joy, or even authenticity.

“When we habituate to perfectionism as an ideal, we cannot honor the needs and desires that surface in real time,” Shauna explains. “Perfectionism presumes that parts of our humanity are unacceptable. But our raw, messy, imperfect selves? They’re just as beautiful as the polished ones.”

Letting go of perfectionism doesn’t mean lowering your standards—it means shifting from a fear-based way of operating to one rooted in self-trust. It means recognizing that being “perfect” is not what makes us valuable; being real is.

When Ambition Becomes Self-Sabotage

For many, perfectionism doesn’t appear as a destructive force—it presents itself as ambition. High standards. Attention to detail. A commitment to excellence. But the difference between healthy striving and perfectionism is in the why.

Perfectionism is driven by fear—the fear of being seen as flawed, of disappointing others, of not being enough. It creates an internal pressure to perform, leaving little room for rest, intuition, or creativity.

“If you never feel good enough no matter what you accomplish, if you use shame or fear as motivation, or if you never let yourself celebrate small wins, it’s time to check in with yourself,” Shauna says. “Ambition should feel energizing. Perfectionism is exhausting.”

The irony is that perfectionists often believe they are protecting themselves from failure. In reality, they are living in a constant state of it—because nothing ever feels quite good enough.

The Cost of Perfectionism

Beyond the emotional toll, perfectionism has tangible consequences. It can erode creativity, drain energy, and isolate us from others. It can make us hesitant to take risks, delaying progress in both our personal and professional lives.

Shauna shares a defining moment in her own life, one that revealed just how much perfectionism was costing her. Early in her relationship with her now-husband, she found an old box of photos of his ex-girlfriends. Instead of brushing it off, she spiraled into a cycle of insecurity and comparison.

“I was sabotaging myself and my relationship with someone who truly loved me with all of my quirks and imperfections,” she says. “I needed to learn to value myself instead of trying to avoid anything that triggered my fears of not being good enough.”

Perfectionism doesn’t just create anxiety—it prevents us from experiencing the very things we desire most: love, ease, confidence, and connection.

Redefining Success on Your Own Terms

One of the core messages in You Are the Boss of You is that we have the power to rewrite our personal narratives. If perfectionism has dictated that success means never making mistakes, always being in control, and meeting unrealistic expectations, we can choose a different definition.

True success is not about flawless execution—it’s about fulfillment. It’s about living in alignment with what feels right, not what looks right.

“You don’t need to be perfect to be worthy,” Shauna says. “You don’t need to be the best to be successful. And you don’t need to prove anything to anyone.”

Letting go of perfectionism means stepping into the discomfort of being seen as you truly are. It means allowing yourself to make mistakes, to try new things, to be in progress rather than constantly trying to prove yourself.

How to Start Letting Go

If perfectionism has been the driving force behind your work, relationships, or sense of self-worth, the idea of not micromanaging every detail might feel overwhelming. But small shifts make all the difference.

Shauna suggests starting with small acts of imperfection:

• Resist the urge to rewrite an email multiple times—send it as is.
• Walk out the door without checking your reflection one more time.
• Allow yourself to be seen in moments of uncertainty or vulnerability.
• Instead of apologizing for small imperfections, simply move forward.

These may seem insignificant, but over time, they rewire the brain. Each time you choose self-acceptance over self-criticism, you reinforce the idea that you are enough—without needing to prove it.

The Role of Self-Compassion

One of the most powerful tools in breaking free from perfectionism is self-compassion. For many perfectionists, extending kindness to themselves feels foreign—even indulgent. But self-compassion is not complacency. It is the very thing that allows us to grow.

“Perfectionism is about control. Self-compassion softens that grip,” Shauna explains. “If you wouldn’t shame a child for making a mistake, why do you do it to yourself?”

Developing self-compassion means changing the way we speak to ourselves. It means recognizing that mistakes and missteps are not failures but necessary steps in growth. It means treating ourselves with the same patience and understanding that we so freely offer to others.

Reframing Failure

Fear of failure keeps many people stuck. But Shauna challenges the idea that failure even exists.

“What we call failure is simply a subjective label,” she explains. “What if, instead of seeing something as a failure, we saw it as information? As experience? As necessary?”

Rather than internalizing setbacks as proof of inadequacy, we can reframe them as part of the process. Every perceived misstep is an opportunity to adjust, learn, and evolve.

“What did I need to learn from this, and how can I apply it moving forward?” Shauna suggests asking. “If we remove judgment, shame, and fear, everything that we might be tempted to classify as a failure has the potential to be an invaluable learning tool.”

Life on the Other Side of Perfectionism

There is a quiet kind of freedom that comes from stepping away from perfectionism. It’s the freedom to take up space without self-editing, to create without fear, to embrace the messiness of life without constantly trying to curate it.

“You find your actual people—not the ones drawn to a carefully curated image, but the ones who love the real you,” Shauna says. “You get your time back, your energy, your joy. And you stop caring so much about things that don’t actually matter.”

The world does not need more perfection. It needs more authenticity. It needs people willing to show up as they are—flaws, brilliance, and everything in between.

Perfectionism may promise security, but it delivers exhaustion. Letting go of it is not just an act of self-liberation; it’s a return to the truth of who you are.

For more on breaking free from perfectionism, explore Shauna Brittenham Reiter’s book, You Are the Boss of You.